Busy

It's been a while but I've been very busy. Life has gotten too all over the place for me this past while.
Need a break but of course there's no end in sight.
Three of my four children are in my home tonight for the first time ever. I'm not so sure how to feel. No one else thinks it's a big deal and maybe to them it isn't, but after waiting for ten years for even one to come home, having the three all together is a miracle to me.
Although, there is no undoing what damage has been done. My bones are brittle and my brain is damaged.
At least I have this moment. And now, if I were to die like I begged for so many times over the years then I can say I had almost all of them. I am happy now.
I no longer feel the way I did all those years ago thank heavens.
I suppose when things calm down I can begin to think about what I want to do. Yet, what if they don't calm down?
I will make them calm down.
I will stop being so busy.

Not Long Enough

This time wasn't long enough with my man. We had a wonderful weekend and now I'm home with a sore belly, cat smell in the house and a heavy heart.
I still believe I'm lucky to be alive and know that I have the most wonderful people in my life.
My life will change so much in the next two weeks now. It's all a bit much for me sometimes. I just want to lie here and do nothing but that wont do me any good.
But where is the balance? I have to have one, for if I don't it could harm me. How much do I do before it gets too much?
I still haven't figured that out yet. Mainly because I wasn't out in the real world for years after I was diagnosed. I was well protected up there in the north on a hobby farm.
Now it's time to learn when to rest, when to walk, when to run and when to fly.
I must remember my inner thoughts and what I want to think, I truly believe that the world has wonderful places, beautiful faces and fantastic sunsets.
I know there is good in everyone in my life because I have chosen them to be there.
I know I'm a beautiful woman with a kind heart and is intelligent.
Ok that was good. I remember now, house still stinks though and I don't know how to tell the daughter to get rid of the animal.
I'll think on that and let you know.
Till next time!

Today

Today was a nice relaxing day. I got some bad medical news but nothing I can't handle. It just hit me at first.

I am missing my man though. 

I was reading what I wrote yesterday and it reads confusing!! Oh well, it's what I was thinking at the time.

My best friend seems to call me at the same time my boyfriend does and the same with texting. It's as if they both know when the other wants to contact me... it's a little creepy to be honest. I appreciate the attention and boy do I ever need it right now.

My ex husband is right though, I can't seem to get my head around not getting it the way I want it. I'm not so bad now like I was but I still get the odd ting here and there of, hey, I wanted this or that.

I think that could be why I don't do this social networking thing well. I just don't get all the faking stuff. Just say what you think and feel for heavens sake. Social 'norms' are so not my thing.

I suppose that I've been so badly burnt by my first husband that I don't know if I can ever get better from that and so the self preservation comes in when I have to deal with other people. Plus it doesn't help that I won't like at all for anything. It really does get a person into trouble.

Ya sooo many ideas in one blog. I tend to think a lot. When your hands don't work well and you need glasses, well, it's hard to find other things to do with your time other than think.

Ta Ta

Within

Today I was thinking, I know, I shouldn't because I do too much of it, but I was thinking that I'm the kinda girl that would die of a broken heart. I give myself so fully and without regrets.
I don't regret being with any of my ex's nor do I regret leaving any of them. Everything happens for a reason I believe. Yes I know, cliche.
So then why am I so resistant to all these wonderful things that are happening in my life?
I don't have the answer for that yet. Wish I did in a way but it will come.
My week has been full and confusing. I'm learning things about myself so quickly that it's getting overwhelming to sort through things. As a result I'm quite distracted when dealing with everyday living.
I always thought it was patience I needed and I suppose I still do sometimes but I think it's more of an identity thing. I don't have the means right now to do what I think I'd like to do so I feel a little lost.
I'm getting a car soon I hope so maybe that will help.
I love and respect the man I'm with, I just miss him when he goes and it bothers me. I don't know how to not miss him as I've never had to deal with that emotion like this. Usually this feeling would come when a relationship has ended and so I didn't see them again. It's like an empty heavy feeling. This is what I'm going to work on this week.
Finding a way to deal with all the stuff going on. Some kind of system that my brain can make sense of and then I will get things done.
I've slacked pretty badly with my own personal things in the past few weeks and need to get back on track.
I feel better now too so it wont be so hard to do it!

Meh

Not so happy this past while. I tried to quit smoking while too much was going on in my life and on a good run I could've done it.
I think it was too much. I'm not back to smoking fully but I do have one a day.
The stress on me was just too much and now the MS is acting up.
My daughter is being a teenager, so I'm having to deal with that, I just got accepted for my Disability claim so now I have to do all the work for that, I'm still in a new relationship and having to cope with that, I'm not getting the same meds as before so now I can't sleep which is HARD on me, and of course the list goes on.
Even if it's good things going on I can't seem to organize things well enough in my head to get through one thing then the other.
I've dealt with garbage of the previous tenants leaving, just today.
I want to go see people and do things and now I can finally do it soon but at what cost?
We shall see how much more I can take and see what my limit is. I haven't had to deal with all this stuff yet.
I was pretty protected up there by my house and my husband.
Life goes on and I have to make mine simple and the way I want.
Soon....

Luckiness

So today I feel lucky.
Lucky to have a wonderful man in my life,
lucky to have a gorgeous daughter I can look at all the time now,
lucky to have the best friend in the whole world,
lucky to be living in a safe and secure environment,
lucky be walking and talking,
and lucky to still have my brain intact.

It's been a long road and I still can't see the end of it but I will soon and it will get perfect because I'll make it that way.
My ex in England is doing well and I'm so happy for him. He's lead a long and treacherous life and now deserves a good one.

Me and Kent are going camping soon and I think he's more excited than me! It's cute and refreshing to have that. I swear I'm dating my best friend. They are so much alike.

Toodles!

I Feel Pretty

Ok, so you may notice that I'm quirky with titles. I never know what to 'title' things.
I'll get it though!
Yesterday was great. My boyfriend came over and we just lied here and cuddled. He's so busy and I'm grateful he drives all the way here just to see me or pick me up. I so need a car! Later though, that's later.
He has a great job. He works for a mission, which is like a hostel, well it is a hostel, but they counsel with a Christian backing. He is a clergyman and has a shady background.
Wow, I've never seen someone come out of what he's been through like that. He was a drug dealer, doer, alchie, all kinds of things and one day he was stabbed in the heart.
He woke up basically.
We have a lot in common and yet there is enough differences that we learn from each other.
Here's a picture of us, bye for today!

News

I just got confirmation that my beautiful daughter is moving in with me for a little while! She is 20 years old, gorgeous and a doer. She has a terrific disposition and loves animals. There is so many wonderful things about her that I could blabber all day about her of course.
My new guy really has a place in his heart for her too. Which is so important to me I can't tell ya.
I'm excited and nervous. I don't have much room here but she will stay with me and grow a life for herself as I know she can!!
Well that said, update later gator!!

Just Me

Hello world!

I'm home for a while now and hoping my daughter is ok. She is not in a good relationship but I think she's a smart girl and will get past this.
There is so much going on right now in my life that it's hard to pick one thing to talk about.
I really like my new boyfriend. He is very good to me and a wonderful person. He loves his family and me.
My life is in limbo right now but as soon as it gets on track I'll be doing things again.
Ok this was a quick one but I will be back.